The Birth Of Truth

October 24, 2015

My mental health is at an all-time low. It is scary being here. I miss my old self, my old life, and my old thoughts.

But in my ‘old life’ I was adhering to and believing in a script which no longer applies to where I am at today. For whatever obscure reasons, God has brought me right here. I need to re-write that old script.

God, I haven’t asked anything of you in a while, but this morning I beg for you to guide my fingers and thoughts into writing a script which will contribute to me having a healthy mind again. I love you, God, and I love you too, Daughter. Here goes everything.


The Old Script

1. Homosexuality is a sin. Gay= dirty. People (Christians) will like you less if you are gay. Only the worst sinners come out as gay. Churches don’t like gay people. The bible says that homosexuality is a sin, and the price of sin is death.

2. You're not gay, you’re straight, remember?! You dated a man for 4 years, and loved him! There is nothing gay about that. You didn’t ‘know from the moment you were born’, therefore you must really be the sinful kind of gay.

3. You may THINK you know what’s best for you, but the bible knows what’s best for you, and the bible says that homosexuality is wrong. So whatever choices you make, no matter how temporarily ‘happy’ they make you, your life will always be WRONG. You are WRONG.

4. If you feel guilty, that is the holy spirit convicting you. Always.

5. If you show this to anyone, they will confirm that your old script is the way you should think. They will agree with most of the points here, and even if they say they don’t, they’re lying to you.

6. Only really, really fucked up people have depression and suicidal thoughts

7. You have your self harm under control

8. If you kill yourself, you will be proving that all sin leads to death. At your funeral, nobody will say it, but all the Christians will think it: “being gay was SUCH a bad sin that it killed her”

9. I will be happy once I’m married, and the only REAL marriage that is acceptable looks like this:

Step one: a man and a woman

Step two: pre engagement counselling

Step three: pre marital counselling

Step four: pastor/church approval

Step five: engagement announcement; everyone, EVERYONE celebrates it; parents on both sides are happy

Step six: the church marries you/you get married in your home church

Step seven: you have sex for the first time on the honeymoon

Step eight: you want all of this (i.e. you must buy into this process, must talk about wanting this process, must follow every step of this process, etc.)

10. The sinful type of marriage is everything other than above. The sinful LIFE is everything other than above. And all sin leads to death.

11. People can love you but disagree with your ‘lifestyle’

12. Any church that preaches ANYTHING other than what your church preaches is corrupt/wrong

13. Your church is your family. Without them you have nobody. Anyone who tells you that your church is bad for you is being influenced by satan.

14. You chose this. You know you did.

15. No matter what, no matter how hard you fight or how hard you try to enlighten people about what it is like to be you, they will always see your sin as corrupting your judgement. Your words are influenced by the devil now. Basically everything you say is discredited.

 


The New Script: 

A response, point by point. Speaking TRUTH and LOVE into the old script. (New script is in bold)

Homosexuality is a sin. Gay= dirty. People (Christians) will like you less if you are gay. Only the worst sinners come out as gay. Churches don’t like gay people. The bible says that homosexuality is a sin, and the price of sin is death.

1. There is nothing dirty about you. God told you HIMSELF that he loves you exactly this way. There are churches and communities of people who will treat you absolutely no differently for being queer. The bible says a lot of things that are open to interpretation, and God will walk you through every hard part of the bible with Him if you ask! The Holy Spirit HAS NOT and WILL NOT abandon you. The price of sin is death, and Jesus paid it. You are free. You are free to love, you are free to be you, and you deserve to be celebrated for being YOU!

 

You're not gay, you’re straight, remember?! You dated a man for 4 years, and loved him! There is nothing gay about that. You didn’t ‘know from the moment you were born’, therefore you must really be the sinful kind of gay.

2. Yes, you loved and dated a man for 4 years, and you still reminisce on many past moments with tenderness… and that is so okay! Even if it were true that you woke up one day and magically only liked women, THAT IS OKAY TOO! There is no ONE WAY to ‘be’ or exist. There is no wrong way to be you, unless it involves hurting other people.

 

You may THINK you know what’s best for you, but the bible knows what’s best for you, and the bible says that homosexuality is wrong. So whatever choices you make, no matter how temporarily ‘happy’ they make you, your life will always be WRONG. You are WRONG.

3. This is a hard one.

When you first fell in love with a woman, it was the most overwhelming sensation your body has ever experienced; a supernova star explosion. You knew so genuinely that there was absolutely no way you could ‘go back’ to the way you had been living your life after experiencing those feelings. You were literally nauseous with feelings. You TRUSTED your body enough to know that you could not go on living without allowing yourself to feel these feelings. So, you did the scariest thing you’ve ever done in your life…. you came out of the closet as gay.

Have I told you recently how much I love you for that? Have I told you how absolutely brave and amazing that was? You are not given enough credit for that. All of the people you closely cared about were in the church. You came out to the hardest people, ever. You are the bravest, strongest, most driven and authentic person I know. I am proud of you.

So, regarding this question and the old script, yes, the bible is your guide and the word of God. And yes, God breathed the life you have in you INTO you when you were created. He knows absolutely everything. He HAS led you here, and if that is the truth then it is also the truth that you are not wrong [for being gay] because HE IS NOT WRONG. Amen?!

 

If you feel guilty, that is the holy spirit convicting you. Always.

 

4. Steve*, the worship leader, told you this one didn’t he? Isn’t that funny (not funny) how scripts are written. I think that your recent feelings of guilt are because you are believing the old script. You believe that being queer is sinful, therefore you feel guilty for identifying as such. So right here right now we are tearing up that old script in order to separate you from the lies.  It’s working already, I promise!

 

If you show this to anyone, they will confirm that your old script is the way you should think. They will agree with most of the points here, and even if they say they don’t, they’re lying to you.

5. Okay, really?! This is a super obvious lie. You have people in your life who genuinely love and support you. Don’t forget about those few people. They want to hear these things. They want to help you, even if it is just to listen and sympathize.

 

Only really, really fucked up people have depression and suicidal thoughts

6. No, depressed and suicidal people have depressed and suicidal thoughts. Fact. And depressed and suicidal people have typically been really, really hurt in their lives. That makes sense now, doesn’t it?

 

You have your self harm under control

7...except that self-harm stems from feelings of being out of control.

 

If you kill yourself, you will be proving that all sin leads to death. At your funeral, nobody will say it, but all the Christians will think it: “being gay was SUCH a bad sin that it killed her”

8. Honestly, even if one person does that think narrative, that being gay was SUCH a bad sin that it killed me, the only thing that you should be concerned about is the irreversible damage you would cause many people if you killed yourself. Your sister would not be able to recover. Ever. That’s the only thing that you should think about when it comes to people’s reaction to your death.

 

I will be happy once I’m married, and the only REAL marriage that is acceptable looks like this: (see steps above)

9. You genuinely believed and adhered to the fantasy of this script for a long, long time. And that is okay! It is okay that you wanted that for yourself! But unfortunately, by default, as a queer person that script is no longer available to you. Let God write the new one, and don’t fight it when he does. It won’t look anything like you’ve expected (likely), but you’ll know that it is from Christ.

 

The sinful type of marriage is everything other than above. The sinful LIFE is everything other than above. And all sin leads to death.

10. We have already countered this point with TRUTH and LOVE. Re-read everything if you have to, get the truth into your brain!

 

People can love you but disagree with your ‘lifestyle’

11. First of all, being gay is not a ‘lifestyle’. It just isn’t. Lifestyle implies choice (i.e. this is the style that I have chosen for my life). If you love someone, it is never followed by the word “but”. I love you BUT I don’t agree with your lifestyle. This is a really hard one for Christians because they think that it is the ‘right thing to do’ in their faith for them to disagree with me being gay. I struggle with finding a way to communicate to Christians how hurtful it can be to “disagree with my lifestyle”.

 

Any church that preaches ANYTHING other than what your church preaches has the great potential to be corrupt/wrong

12. While your pastor did say these words to you in an email, it is simply not the truth. Your church abides by one way of understanding the bible. Other churches are not wrong for interpreting scriptures differently or preaching the message of love in a fully inclusive manner (and I mean FULLY inclusive). It is a fear tactic to tell you that all other churches will preach incorrectly, i.e. “Be scared! If you leave our church, EVERY OTHER MINISTRY WILL BE SINFUL AND FALSE. The only way to hear the gospel and interpret scripture is here, with us, where we don’t agree with your lifestyle.”

While that last sentence is an over exaggeration, just think about it. It is manipulative. And no, you’re not just making it manipulative in your head. Your pastor genuinely thinks that you are going to end up at a corrupt church that is incorrectly preaching the bible.

 

You chose this. You know you did.

13. Shut up. You don’t choose who you are attracted to, but you do choose to be honest about it. *mic drop*

 

Your church is your family. If you disagree with them, you really are sinful. Without them you have nobody. Anyone who tells you that your church is bad for you is being influenced by satan

 

14. When you first started going to church, you found a family and community of people there. The more you accepted Jesus and abided by their ways of life, the more you become involved in their lives. I am so glad that you sought out that place for yourself when you needed it. You needed very badly to feel a sense of love and belonging. Don’t take that positive part of your past away from yourself with a new script that looks upon it negatively. That was a beautiful time in your life when you needed a family.

Unfortunately, unlike your other queer friends, ALL of your friends were in the church. It is OKAY that you once called these people your family, and it is OKAY that you are choosing to no longer do so.

 

No matter what, no matter how hard you fight or how hard you try to enlighten people about what it is like to be you, they will always see your sin as corrupting your judgement. Your words are influenced by the devil now. Basically everything you say is discredited.

 

15. There are definitely people currently in your life who will see you this way. These are NOT the people whom you need to be close with. Because there are also people who do not regard you this way, at all. Spend more time with them. You have a beautiful, brilliant mind and nothing you say should ever be discredited simply because you are queer (see, all the power is drained from that sentence now that you’ve admitted it. Ha, take THAT!!)

 

And just remember, it is NOT NOT NOT NOT your job to change people. Jesus changes hearts. Amen.

 

This was one of the most healing and productive exercises I’ve ever done for myself in my life. Somehow, when the truth is written down, it just feels SO MUCH BIGGER than the lies. Thank you, God.

-

From the most beautiful soul, who shall remain nameless. Nameless because this power and impactful and important piece of truth shared is hard. Hard in the most beautiful way that brings freedom ringing. Hard in the most beautiful way that deserves to be held sacred. Hard in the most beautiful way that deserves to be safe.

If you would like to write her a letter, please connect at hello@skyler-mechelle.com