One might ask how I came to this positive mantra and attitude after a 20-something year battle with Anorexia, Depression, fragments left from Abuse (from my ex-boyfriends), Anxiety, Trauma/PTSD and ultimately the death of “an illusion” of the love of my life. I often found myself in a vicious cycle, when one thing falls and starts rolling down hill, the rest compounds on me.
The unexpected loss of a family member back in the spring of 2016 and the lack of self-care during a time which I was plagued in darkness from anorexia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. I had thought I had found and met the love of my life, and experienced the “illusion” of true love. Sadly, then the devastating and tragic death of this man, this illusion of love, to drug overdose/addiction showed me what hitting rock bottom really looked like.
The reality is, I was not okay; thinking back to the end of July and early September of 2016. I have since then found my inner shine and strength!
This was the ONLY choice I had left. I choose to live.
What I am saying is, nothing in life should ever be about the "final destination," as it's all about the experiences, people you meet: those impacting you and your life, the life lessons and the ones you have a profound impact on. Hitting ROCK BOTTOM doesn’t have to be your final destination. End of discussion, period… You choose where your path, your journey, the next stamp in your past port.
From a twenty-some year battle with anorexia, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, some ask why I haven’t given up… my only truth is because I am a warrior and I will fight until my heart doesn’t beat anymore. But the authentic and raw truth is that I hadn’t seen ‘Rock Bottom’ or even knew what it looked like until this past summer. Here I had truly lost myself, to the extent I put myself in compromising situations and honestly almost didn’t live through it. But again, this was not my destiny and I was saved and I was given the second chance at life. You better believe I am ALL IN now and I plan to live in the moment each day and to shine on!
Back in March, 2016; I was alerted that my grandmother’s sister, “Aunt Pat,” was not doing well and had very little time left before she was asked to “come home” to Heaven. That night, I stayed with my Grandmother in her Assisted Living Community and received a Facebook message from someone whom thought they knew me… this was just the beginning of meeting the illusion of the love of my life.
I met this man, this illusion of what I thought love was and the illusion of who I thought he was. Both of us had a past that neither of us were proud of, however we were both able to look beyond each other’s demons and see the purity of each other, or again, I thought I had… but the reality was this again was not true. This man at the time, allowed me see myself from the perspective of others; as beautiful, loving, smart and funny, yet so much more.. then again, the reality was, this was done through a vicious cycle of manipulation, abuse, unsettling events and ultimately almost my own death.
After the loss of my Aunt, I quickly began to decline with anorexia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. In fact, prior to that, I had over 16 months of solid recovery from the demon I refer to as “ED.” Our “so-called” love story continued for the next 4 months where we saw each other every day for the entire period of time. I now, looking back realized that I had zero time for me, I was blinded by the illusion of what I thought this man was about and what I thought we had. God rest his soul, as he passed in late July, to a drug overdose. However, that is when I FINALLY fought like hell every day to get back on my feet and find my truth, who I was and ultimately I found my sparkle and shine.
Inner Shine ~ Shine On!
Through devastating and life changing events and experience, I have found my hope and strength in my faith and the reassurance that this man is still with me, despite the hell he brought to my life… despite the reality of the damage that was done to me since we had met, I do owe it to him that I finally found my true self. I may not be there yet, but thru the damage of this relationship along with a past such as mine and a different mindset…
I am back, I am more of me than I have been in over ten years. My family comments daily on the progress they see, the happiness and sparkle and shine in my eyes and ultimately a girl they once knew, before I had been plagued with all kinds of darkness, was finally back. Hearing those words regularly helps me see who I am and the sparkle and shine that never died, it was just hidden by different attacks… negative and declining spirals. I am now just me, a me that I am proud to be, a me … myself …. And I – that will always be my truth.
People always had said despite everything I had been through and everything that had tested me on a regular basis – that they all still saw the sparkle and shine, the love and kindness and the purity of my heart. I see it too now, as I see the impact I have on others, I see the love and joy I bring to others and I see WHO I AM! My truth!
Since this man’s sudden and tragic death over the summer, my Eating Disorder had got much worse, the lack of desire to live flashes thru my heart and soul regularly, nightmares and night terrors on a daily basis, flashbacks of the worst times together, depression, anxiety and an ocean of tears. This will NOT be my end result, this will not be my final destination.
I have since then in just shy of 3 months, I have begun to rebuild my life, I have found a new sparkle and shine in a man I didn’t know existed… to his daughter, to a new and exciting job and to new relationships with others. I always have the choice you see, I have the choice of who I am going to be and who I will impact along the way (and who will impact me and my life along the way). This new spark in my life just the most thrilling and exciting relationship I have ever had. A connection ever so sweet and a compassion for each other is PRICELESS. We came to meet on difficult and trying situations (both grieving in different situations and ways) and pasts, only when we are together, nothing else matters, no challenge is too great to tackle together and no stronger of a bond could ever be broken. We walk up that mountain together, we walk 1 step at a time together. The reality is I met my Best Friend, someone I could see myself with for the rest of my life and someone that I know has broken the chains of my past and all darkness that tries to set within my soul!
“Life is nothing but a journey... a path; in which I found it essential to do all things with love and in the light.” Jesse Ann
I realized that living in a sparkle and shine lifestyle is the only way to go. Count your blessings, count your gratitude’s and always live in the moment. That’s how I survived and how I will live until the day I die!