Over the weekend (and through the woods) I kept wrestling with what I needed, because I kept feeling what I didn't think I needed to feel...
Walking out a whole healing, the way my suffering demanded me to, has given me a pretty solid understanding of my heart and it's needs. So, when I keep stumbling over the same deep and heavy emotions I tend to immediately question what I did wrong. What I haven't done. What I missed.
It's a pretty commonplace reaction for those of us who have endured deep struggle. We tend to have a hard time determining if our deep and heavy emotions are cause for ringing the internal Battle Alarm, or if they're just something we need to allow ourselves to feel. Most of the time, when we experience this internal struggle, we have already walked out the steps we needed to take in order to maintain the safety of our HeartGardens. (And, if not, we are learning to.) However, because of that, when we don't feel an immediate shift in the heaviness, we start internally screaming....or at least I do. I'm pretty classy, like that. ;)
Jokes aside, the thing is, when we take away the beauty of choice, we take away the beauty of Love. This weekend, I chose to lay down my need to control my control by honoring it, instead of shoving it down the rabbit hole (and making it grow in size 10x). This weekend, I chose to lay down my fear of feeling deeply, by choosing to feel deeply. This weekend I chose to re-learn, once again, how to Love myself through it all.
No matter where you find yourself today, beautiful healing warrior, you are allowed to be there. It is an ever-long process to learn our ever-changing needs. However, it gets easier over time. Trust me. I know. I'm doing it. I now get to laugh and giggle over my beautiful silly ways, instead of discard and disgrace them. I get to learn (and learn again) how to slowly unclench, by choosing to have a conversation with my emotions and understand what they are inviting me to experience. Mostly because, a majority of the time, that experience leads me to deeper freedom.
I've worked my entire life to have this freedom to feel; to know this freedom of feeling; to not numb. So, even though my the heaviness didn't go away as fast as I wanted it to, I learned to see it differently. To rename the heaviness, and call it Hope. Because I'm not done, I'll never be done, I'll always choose this. I'll always choose to learn to Love myself through it all, so I can invite you to do the same.
Beautiful healing warrior, you are not alone.