When you bring light into a dark room, what happens? Normally, the darkness retreats right? It disperses because the light is known to the darkness, and the darkness is known to the light. It's understood. What if all you ever knew-all you were ever taught-was darkness, and one day you came across light for the very first time. Would you know what it was just by seeing it, or would you need to experience how the light made you feel, before you knew what to call it by name?
My faith has always been in feeling, and what I felt the first moment I experienced it was an emotion that I can hardly describe in words. I felt seen, heard, and loved deeper and more powerfully than I ever thought possible. I felt freedom, raw and unbound. It was like jumping into a cold lake, but then having the lake turn warm and hold me close. Protect me. Comfort me. I found home for the first time.
I felt God, before I knew what to call God, and that is how I operate to this day. I choose to listen, then feel, and then act. This is how I lead a life of Love, and this is how I walk my truth without my truth walking me.
Looking back, that moment underneath the willow tree was pivotal in aligning my ears to the voice of God. From there on, the pathways I took led me through desolate and dark lands, scarier than I ever imagined could exist. I lived in the darkness for years, but I never truly saw it for what it was until I tried to walk away from it; until I felt it.
Being the first in my family line to choose healing meant breaking shit. Lots of shit. All the shit. (And by "shit" I mean lies and strongholds, but "shit" is funner to say.) I was seen as the enemy, the bad guy, and the bully for choosing me over them. I was haunted by the lies spoken over me, and it took years to unearth the truth from them. To not erase my past, but feel it. Acknowledge it. Validate it.
To discover my purpose, I had to face my truth. For just like the light in the dark room, I had to feel what had happen to me in order to know who I was, and who I wanted to become.
Through healing, I have learned that even in the breakthroughs, the pain doesn't diminish. It just learns to balance out, with the addition of new life. Our truth and our stories aren't bad or dirty. Neither was the person we had to be, to survive them. These things won't just magically go away. Reclaiming our divine purpose and calling means going back to the roots of who we are. For even if we knew on day one of healing the name Love has chosen to calls us by-what our divine purpose is-do you think we would believe it, if we didn't feel it?
I spouted a lot of pretty words in my life, but I never felt them like I do now until I experienced what they meant. I was always walking out my divine purpose, but for so long it was manipulated into the words of "scapegoat" and "victim". It took listening to Love, then feeling all my pain, with Love, before I could walk out my truth in purposed action. Before I could reclaim my name and calling.
It's never going to be easy, we're never going to get everything right, but it's a lot easier to hate ourselves when we don't know ourselves. To doubt our actions, to pick up old lies and walk out old patterns, when we are isolated from our truest HeartHome. To look back and blame ourselves for each and everything. (Ahem, raises hand)
We will all have things to own up to, we're human, but we don't have to be crushed under the weight of our guilt and our pain simultaneously. It's far easier to take the guilt when the pain is far greater, but it's also more damaging. It's also a quick way to repeat the same patterns over and over. Our pain demands to be felt, and even if we're no longer in unsafe situations (thank the unicorns), we're going to wind up repeating old patterns as a way of putting off facing the real issue.
I can tell you straight up that I do not know all my story; I know my purpose. And, because of that, I have learned to open my hands to new truths, and allow them to come when I need them. I will need all of me, to do all that I am called to do. The difference is, I am not called to do everything today.
So, I do not go seeking, I simply receive. It sucks monkey balls when new pain rises up, but it's also the most freeing experience. To stitch ourselves back together is powerful. It's damn powerful...and even when it feels impossible, we're not ever alone. Find your tribe, find your therapist, find your coach. These are your people. This is your home. Then go and find out what Love calls you by name-claim your purpose-and use it to break shit and rise up past every glass ceiling, for the rest of your life.