There is no other ground than my Soul Ground which I would choose to rise off of...
So often I hit rock bottom and had to learn to adapt fast. Grasp onto safety nets, establish edited ways of living, and seriously just hustle. But I've come to this place in my life where I am literally letting every single thing I've ever thought I needed to fully step into my divine purpose (what you see me doing: sharing my story, educating on trauma, loving my tribe fiercely, speaking/writing/advocating/equipping) BURN AWAY...
Not just "Eh, I'll place this safety net on the shelf for another day, when I could probably pick it up when I get freaked out," but holy shit just me and God on my Soul Ground doing big things and being willing to rise Real, Gritty, and Real, with my Grace, Guts, & Glitter. To utilize ME instead of THINGS because I have cultivated a rich resource center right within my own heart space by doing the healing work I now advocate so heavily for.
A piece of that work, for me today, is trusting that all the unknowns right now (like how da fuck I'll support myself by doing this, outside the boundaries I placed on myself previously) and being willing (which is pretty much my spiritual gift tbh - along w/adding lots of parenthesis to my writing) to sit in the uncomfortable one-ness for a bit, as I figure it out. To receive from people who are coming to my side to affirm me, and say "Let us give to you, so you don't have to pick up a part time shitty job in order to do this work. It's important." cough cough safety net.
Now, I have an incredible CV, impeccable references, and a lot of blooming opportunity around me. I've worked with incredible businesses in my career as a badass office manager/circus wrangler of the performing arts, and I could easy step back into that role. I'm great at it. I honestly LOVED it, but this is not about that. (So, please don't go quit your day job. Really.) This is about heeding to the call on my heart and doing this divine purpose thing, for ME.
For years (and years) I tried countless ways of mustering up the courage to half leap into this divine purpose. I got into seminary schools, prestigious private colleges, small elite programs, talked about being a missionary, did the whole shabang times 1082490, but every single time I would stop in my tracks because when I was just about to fully land where I thought I should leap...it felt off. It felt less than. It felt like I wasn't allowing myself to expand to the fullness of what I was called to, because I was too scared. So, I said "no". I turned away. I stepped backward, so my divine purpose could step forward once more. Which meant...more fucking healing.
I began unzipping my bag, searching for the collection of my most prized possessions. My ballet slippers; my pointe shoes. Nobody really understands why ballerinas love to hang up their dirty, broken, and discarded old shoes into a bouquet of twisted satin strings. Nobody really gets it, unless they’ve lived it. To see all your hard work tied together in celebration of the years of commitment is soul enriching. It is a reminder that all our blood, sweat, and tears were worth it.
I began walking out from my room and into the light of the open kitchen. My two treasured guides standing on the edge of the marble island, awaiting my rise onto pointe for the first time in 4 years.
“I don’t know if I can. I’m not as strong as I used to be,” I say timidly
“I believe you can, just take your time. We’re here for you.” they utter in a messy unison
I grab onto the counter top, feeling the cool marble sting my fingers, as I settle into a first position plié. Everything from my fingers on the marble, to my weak thighs, began to shake. Whether it was from fear or anticipation, I’m not sure, but I look up into their eyes for reassurance before pushing down into the floor with all the strength I had. Then suddenly, the world was silent…
I close my eyes to better focus on the image I was seeing in front of me. A blackened stage, with a singular spotlight in the middle of the floor. Dust hangs in my line of sight, and I peer out into the audience where a single figure sits. Inviting, welcoming me, to enter.
I take several big gulps of air before I timidly step out onto the worn marley floor. It felt familiar, yet unknown, all at the same time and it took several more gulps of dusty air for me to begin moving. However, once I started, I couldn’t stop…I began to twirl, leap, and move with child-like abandon across and through the dark and into the light of the spotlight, again and again.
Several minutes passed before I remembered that I wasn’t alone. That I had been invited in by a figure I couldn’t see, and they were still watching me; cheering for me, celebrating my bravery.
I gathered myself, and stepped back into the spotlight one last time before the vision transported me back into reality. The person in the audience was God…
My divine purpose is to lead, without anything else attached. No extra letters after my name, no safety nets, nothing but me and God. This thing we co-created together is powerful. I've seen first hand the amount of people it has changed, and honestly all I've done in those moments is be a vessel. (Ah, freedom to not be in control, and just align.) It's what I've been preparing for my whole life, by making sure I am personally in the space where I can be that vessel, and after a month of "oh fucks" I am finally turning a corner into the "I trust". It is an honor to walk the dark roads, knowing the Light I've always sought to find was inside me all this time...and now I get to teach you the very same.
In Grace, Guts, & Glitter