I remember when I found a piece of my childhood, hidden in the shot records, school documents, and other important notes I had stolen away from my home before I left it for the last time. At my clumsy, burdened, and fragmented age of 18 I remember sneaking out of my room, for weeks, and packing my life away in luggage. I remember saying "no" to the abuse for the last time like it was yesterday...but that's another story, for another time.
The piece of my childhood I found was a ten page paper I had written when I was in primary school. I was roughly seven years of age, and the paper was about all the things we were thankful for. It read: "I am thankful for the sun, for it reminds me that God is near me when I'm cold. I am thankful for the clouds, because sometimes the sun is too bright and it hurts my eyes. I am thankful for the trees, because they speak to me. I am thankful for the flowers, because they are pretty." Today I get to embrace that seven year old girl, and her vibrant passion for life, but when I read that paper at eighteen I felt like she was a stranger.
Facing my childhood abuse gave me the opportunity to know who I was in it. To stitch my fragments back together, by remembering why I was ripped into pieces in the first place.
Life rips and tears at our seams no matter what our past looks like. We can't outrun it, ignore it, or cover it up with beautiful words (although, beautiful words sometimes give us permission to feel - I'm one to talk *eye rolls for days*). Pain and struggle demands us to feel it. It won't stop throwing shit at us until we embrace our humanity; our messy and imperfect and beautiful humanity. But what if we saw this demand as an invitation instead? What if we could learn what it meant for us to take off our shoes, step out into the ground of our truth, and feel grounded no matter what life throws at us? No matter what we remember or face, past or present.
Healing is not easy. It looks so drastically different for each person, and that makes things all the more challenging. How can I find healing like that shiny person I admire if not everything this person is doing fits me? What if I don't have a particularly faith or tribe or community or safe space where I feel like I can explore what does fit me? What if...I don't feel worthy of this? What if I have all these demands swirling around me, 24/7, and the only time I get to myself is spent eating chocolate, in three-day-old clothes, watching netflix as I cringe at every sound the baby monitor makes? What if I can't choose me, right now...will I miss my time?
No, you won't. You can't. Because the things meant for you, are meant for you...forever.
Ah, can you feel it? That's hope. That's yours. That's Love. Beautiful warrior, there is no expiration date to your freedom. It is with you in the muck and the mire of your endless tasks. It is with you in the doubt. It is with you in the anger. It is with you in the "what-the-fucks". It is with you in the mess. It is with you, always. Love is with you.
Today I invite you to breathe, really truly breathe, every small moment you get. To feel, in that breath. Just the present feeling. Just the present circumstance. Just the present "what-the-fuck". Just for that breath. Our precious gifts don't run out, our dreams do not end, the things made for us can't be stolen. Our time can begin, at any moment in any circumstance. Our "No" can become our "Yes," through the power of Love.
Love expands time, it doesn't demand like pain does. It whispers. It invites. It comforts. It steps into the madness with you, and says "Here, let me dig with you".
You are not alone in this life thing.
You are not alone in this healing thing.
You are not alone in this feeling, those feelings, the feelings to come.
You are not alone.
Love is with you. Love is here. Love is real. Love is BIGGER, but it also doesn't ask us to lessen the rest. Life sucks shit sometimes, but you don't suck. Mistakes are made, but not all things are a mistake.
Let Love speak to you today, no matter what today is or how today looks. Let Love invite you onto your journey, because it can and it will. Mostly, because you're already on it. Maybe it just looks differently than you thought.
Let Love open your eyes.